Written by Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC
Self-Love Recovery Institute – President/CEO
Psychotherapist, Educator, Author, Expert Witness
Most narcissists who are facing “the boot” will do almost anything to stall or buy time. They try to regain a foothold on the codependent’s demonstration of power, control and resolve. Any last-ditch efforts or promises to change or stop may be genuine but are impossible and do not elicit permanent results. This is because pathological narcissists lack the psychological resources, ability, and insight to stay focused on what is wrong with themselves.
If the codependent-pathological narcissist couple were to break up, the narcissist would likely use threats, guilt, and/or some form of overt or covert manipulation as a tactic to reconnect. Insincere promises to change, reminders of good deeds, threats to relapse on a drug they are addicted to, or threats of emotional or physical harm to self or others are some of the many manipulative ploys used to reconnect.
These are the 14 common manipulative tactics used by narcissists when their partner decides to terminate the relationship:
1. Turn Up the Gas – Manipulative Gaslighting
The most common and perhaps default tactic pathological narcissists use to break the resolve of someone ending a relationship with them is to amplify or "turn up" the gaslighting. Since the escaping Self-Love Deficient or codependent (soon to be Self-Love Abundant/SLA) was already entrapped by this effective brainwashing strategy, it is critical to employ Ross Rosenberg’s “Observe Don't Absorb Technique” as an effective defensive strategy.
2. Verbal and Emotional Aggression
Verbal and emotional abuse are used in tandem in order to break down the will of the escaping Self-Love Deficient (SLD). Both are used to further damage the SLD’s self-esteem and instill doubt about their escape plan. Such a strategy is most effective if the chronic abuse that the SLDs have suffered resulted in Posttraumatic Stress Disorder/PTSD.
3. Passive Aggression
Since passive aggression is the communication/acting out of aggression is done indirectly, while creating a plausible excuse for it. Canceling a trip to visit a college of a graduating son or daughter by falsely claiming that their job won’t let them take time off. Typically, passive aggression is followed by a fake apology and fake empathy.
4. Sabotage, Triangulation, "Poisoning" Minds
Triangulation is used to punish or control someone by strategically turning one of their friends against them. This third person’s “coalition” with the narcissist creates some form of consequence.
Examples of Triangulation:
- Play everyone against each other, or target one person in a group
- Gain/maintain power through secretive relationships
- Facilitate distrust and dislike for the target
- Distribute propaganda about the target
- Share negative information that one person said about the other
- Lie, exaggerate, and/or distort reality
- If caught, turn it back onto the target
- Convince each person to keep secrets, to not confront the other
5. Punishing Manipulative Physical Aggression
The most forceful form of manipulation and coercion is physical aggression/abuse. Whether it is a threat or the actual acting out of it, the resulting physical and emotional harm often sways the SLD to back down and return to their jail-like cell. The threat is often used when the narcissist is assured that the SLD will not hold them accountable and/or seek protection.
6. Apologies and Promises to Stop Harm
To mitigate consequences for verbal, emotional, physical, or passive aggression, narcissists will manipulate the SLD to accept an insincere apology. The apologies and promises to stop, activate the SLD’s propensity to give a second chance during which they mistakenly believe in the false apologies and promises.
7. Willing to Negotiate
When direct forms of manipulation don’t work, the narcissists begin to worry that this might be the “breaking point” during which the SLD finally has the strength and ability to break free. To stop the quickly approaching “termination train,” they add to the above by promising to stop their harmful behavior in a manner that engenders the SLD to reverse their decision to terminate the relationship.
For example, the narcissist will get a job and contribute to the family if his or her partner agrees to let them keep drinking.
8. Agreeing to Go to Couples Therapy
Since pathological narcissists sincerely believe they don’t have problems, while projecting them onto the SLD, it is easy for them to refuse or deny a request for couples/marital therapy. But if put into a corner, they will agree, while knowing that they won’t change. When they do go, it is common to sabotage the process, or, worst, find a therapist who can be triangulated or manipulated into supporting them, to the detriment of the SLD.
9. The Humanization Trick
Narcissists attempt to neutralize break-up attempts by manipulative expressing their wounded nature through stories of severe childhood abuse, neglect, or abandonment. By recounting such trauma, they often experience the pain, grief, and loss they formerly blocked from their mind, while appearing vulnerable and wounded. Such a “trick” is most successful on SLDs because of their over-the-top empathy and predilection to forgive a person who is also a victim. Such contrived “humanness” is most impactful when the narcissists cry and beg to not be abandoned as their parents did to them.
10. Agreeing to Individual Therapy/Begging for “One More Chance”
“Please don’t leave me, I need you, I love you, I will do anything you ask” is the narcissist's mantra.
A willingness to go to individual therapy to stop any form of harm that they have perpetrated on the SLD. This insincere act of desperation can either be authentically communicated with the belief that it might help or completely faked. In both cases, a person with a Personality Disorder responds quite poorly to this type of mental health intervention.
11. Threats of Self-Harm or Suicide
At this stage, the frightened narcissist is incapacitated by fear of abandonment, pathological loneliness, or the shame-based belief that they will be forever alone. Such often leads the narcissist indirectly or directly. threaten suicide or self-harm. For some pathological narcissists, i.e. someone with ASPD or BPD, this is nothing more than a manipulative strategy. For others, it is a true reflection of their emotional response to the end of the relationship.
12. All-Out Attack/Destruction
When all of the above manipulative strategies fail, the last gasp of the soon-to-be-terminated narcissist comes in the form of a no holds barred barrage of destruction. This is when the narcissist’s rage, hatred, and contempt are focused on the person who they believe is trying to harm them. Because this is highly dangerous, legal and protective services are absolutely required for this stage.
13. Shame and Depression Induced Acceptance
With no hope for a reconciliation, the reality of the termination sinks in. This is when the narcissist experiences a debilitating painful abandonment experience, which evokes otherwise deeply buried repressed/disassociated memories of abandonment. In the resulting flood of shame, loneliness, and depression, the narcissist surrenders openly or secretly. This is when the fight is over.
14. Replacement
The narcissist's pathological ego cannot live in shame and loneliness for a long period of time. This is when they resume the relationship “prowl” that originally ensnared the now departing partner.
Whether it is yelling, threatening, or even highly dangerous aggressive actions, reactions from a narcissist when terminating the relationship are unnerving to many and downright frightening to most. Unfortunately, those suffering from codependency, or what I refer to as Self-Love Deficit Disorder™, find themselves powerless against Pathological Narcissists. The reason for their attraction to narcissists and their inability to extricate themselves from harmful relationships with them is explained in full in my book, The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap.
The information in this article is derived from Ross's 5.5-hour seminar, "Everything You Need to Know About Escaping Narcissistic Abuse."
About Ross
Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., CADC, is Self-Love Recovery Institute’s CEO and primary contributor. His internationally recognized expertise includes pathological narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and attachment trauma. Ross’s “Codependency Cure™ Treatment Program provides innovative and results-oriented treatment.
Ross's expert educational and inspirational seminars have earned him international acclaim, including his 23 million YouTube video views and 234K subscribers. In addition to being featured on national TV and radio, his “Human Magnet Syndrome” books sold over 150K copies and are published in 12 languages. Ross provides expert testimony/witness services.
More about Ross and his educational and inspirational work can be found at www.SelfLoveRecovery.com.
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