ABANDONING CODEPENDENTS

 Abandoning codependents are mistakenly presumed to be pathological narcissists because of the common myth that only selfish narcissists desert their children. Although they share some responsibility for the harm they cause their children, they are also unfortunate victims. Many codependent abandoners endured a traumatic childhood in which one of their parents abandoned them or the family. Not only did they grow up with the stinging pain of catastrophic loss, but at a tender and influential time in their childhood development they were taught a dysfunctional and harmful remedy for chronic narcissistic abuse.

The narcissist’s strategic campaign of disinformation, manipulation, and dishonesty against the codependent parent targets the couple’s children who are unknowingly split and divided (alienated) from the powerless codependent parent. By believing the propaganda-like misinformation about the codependent parent, the children are subtly and sometimes invisibly coerced to support the narcissistic, pretend victim parent while actively distrusting and disliking the falsely accused codependent bad parent. Parental alienation, character assignation, mind poisoning, effective triangulation, and/or emotional incest are some of the terms that describe the narcissists near total destruction of the codependent’s parent-child bond.

When combining the tremendous grief and suffering caused by the theft of their parent-child relationship and the hostile humiliation their children inflict on them, the codependent is pushed, manipulated, and/or gaslit to reach an abandonment decision.

Abandonment comes in several different forms including workaholism, substance abuse, marital affairs, or, most commonly, abruptly leaving the house and discontinuing communication with the family. Once separated from the family, the children continue to be fed a steady diet of purposely polarizing “love me” and “hate him" propaganda about the abandoning parent, thereby proving the bad and abandoning parent narrative.

Unfairly demeaned, despised, and disrespected, they succumb to their core shame, which has always told them about their utter worthlessness and unlovability. In a state of despair, the grieving codependent loses hope for receiving love, respect, care, and his children (and partner) and consequently takes the narcissist’s “abandon the children” bait. With the almost choreographed destruction of their family, the alienated codependent parent is unknowingly led to commit “relationship suicide,” which, like its traditional form, is guided by incapacitating depression and an almost delusional plan or solution to stop the emotional pain.

By squeezing the codependent out from the family, the narcissist proves to the children the abandonment narrative while hiding the puppet strings they so craftily manipulated. Hence, the children actively hate, despise, and resent the abandoning parent while supporting the contrived martyr-hero narrative.

Because codependent abandoners have not resolved the unconscious forces responsible for their human magnet syndrome compelled relationship choices, their next love interest will likely be a pathological narcissist. When they fall victim to the familiar but dysfunctional dance with the next narcissist soulmate turned cellmate, it is likely that the new partner will dissuade or actively block the codependent from reestablishing contact with the abandoned children. Should the children learn of this, the abandonment narrative becomes elevated to an almost indefensible fact.

© The Codependency Revolution: Fixing What Was Always Broken, Ross Rosenberg (2024)